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The things I miss…

June 10, 2012

I miss my little baby Maddie. I think I miss her as much for the future as right now. Her little soldiering figure running around the house still in nappies. Not being there at this still young age is a sad time for me. Being only just over two years, the fast pace of her growing into a little girl is a wonderful time.

Maddie was supposed to be the defining milestone of cementing our relationship for ever. She was to be the glue that gave our other two beautiful girls a real family experience. Two did not seem to complete our family. Three seemed to be right answer.

Despite all the problems we had early in our marriage, at least I had the opportunity to be around as the other two girls grew into beautiful little girls. I may now miss the fullness of that experience. I feel a sense of grief and loss for that fact.

Of course I sincerely hope I can continue to be part of their lives. Just right now I don’t know what that will look like, how it will happen, the distance. Will they understand later in their life why this has happened? Will they resent me for it, or will they see why it was so important? Will they be proud that I wanted to find true purpose and meaning? Will they think what they lost from not having their daddy around was not a fair trade. Was I selfish, or self-less?

I miss my plants. Almost every plant and tree has a story about them. I hope my wife will be able to look after them. The ones under the patio don’t get any natural rain fall, so need to be watered regularly. I hope they don’t whither and die as some sort of symbol of our relationship itself. Once I find a place to live, I’m hoping that I’ll be allowed to take some of them with me. However, I do want to travel light for the near term. Perhaps when I bring my plants together again with me, or I start to build a new collection that will be a sign that I’ve settled again. The plants create a permanency which reflects a state of mind and hope. To be with plants in tow is a safe place. Traveling without plants reflects a state of flux.

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